Zoe, meet Queen Sue
by LittleEnglishLass
Summary: Zoe meets a Sue. And, like the rest of the sane world, utterly hates her guts. Just something I knocked out in a moment of irritation. T because of a swear and I'm paranoid. UPDATED! New chapter!
1. Chapter 1

**Just an idea I had because I was so SICK of seeing stories with Mary Sue's. There are SO many, and it's even worse when the idea around the story is great, but the main character is so barftacular. **

**Small Sue traits are fine. Just so long as there's only a one trait, and it's perfectly justified. Like, being telepathic, it's fine, but don't make her or him able to fly and shoot lazers from their eyes. But please, for the sake of my sanity, STOP GIVING THEM TRAGIC PASTS! This is killing me. If I read one more summary that says 'horrible foster parents' or 'abusive family' I'm going to kill someone. I know these things can happen, but seriously, I don't think anyone who has been in that position would be happy about their own sufferings being used in such a stupid way.**

**This specific Sue might be a bit...um... OVERLY Sueish. Just because it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to write a Sue. I did try. And besides, she's Queen Sue, she's supposed to be ridiculously 'amazing'. **

**It's only very short, because it matches my patience with Sue's. I've updated it a little since I first published it, because I got annoyed again...**

**Enjoy my friends, enjoy.**

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**Zoe, meet Queen Sue**

Zoe skipped happily down the road back home, Skittles clutched securely in her fist, and music blearing from her earphones as she made her way to her family's new apartment. They'd moved closer so they could spend more time with the 'bots.

The day had been great.

Sure, Ironhide had seen her coming and dodged her latest prank, but she still had a few ideas as to how she was going to get him back. Tagging along with Bee and Jazz had been epic, though she was sure the police officer who'd chased them wouldn't have agreed. Thankfully, Prowl and the rest of the fun-killers had been out at that point in time, so they hadn't got into any trouble. Spending the remainder of the day helping Wheeljack and Beta out in their lab had been fun, even if she'd almost blown herself up again, which was always funny. Well, it was funny to her anyways. Ratchet was just a big grumpy pants.

Humming along to the tune of her latest favourite song, Zoe stopped and corrected her bunches, which were beginning to fall down again. She vowed never to use those same hairclips any more. Suddenly, she heard an odd sound over her music. Skipping back a few seconds, she wondered if it was a glitch on the MP3.

She _had _dropped it on Jolt's head after all. Which had been an_ accident, _no matter what Sideswipe said. Jerk.

After testing it a few times, she shrugged, nope, the song was fine. She took her earphones out and frowned. It was crying. Someone was crying close by. Zoe frowned. Whoever it was, they were really going at it with the howling. She walked a little further up the road, and poked her head round the corner that lead into an alleyway. There, kneeling next to a dumpster, was a girl. Zoe cocked her head and walked up to her. Maybe she'd been attacked or something, it was a common occurrence in the city, especially on a Friday night.

"Hey, you alright?" she asked, crouching down in front of her.

The girl looked up. Zoe blinked. The girl was...well, beautiful, even though she was crying. But as far as Zoe was concerned, she was creepily beautiful. Literally, no spots or imperfections on her skin, she was like one of those Victorian dolls. The girl's eyes were sparkly rainbows, like the sky from a fantasy painting or something. Her long, wavy blonde hair was immaculate, not a strand fell out of place.

Her clothes were like something out of a anime. One of those ones that didn't make any sense and had the main character taking all her clothes off to have a shower ever five minutes. A fancy, lurid purple dress complete with frills, gemstones, bows. It revealed _way _too much chest, and it was threatening to show her arse if she bent over far enough. She had long, toned legs that were decked in lacy stockings. The girl also had outlandish accessories, a long staff with some kind of symbol atop it, and a large crown with huge jewels.

Ugh, the levels of 'perfection',_ if_ you could even call it that, were _sickening_.

"I'm fine." The girl spoke in a ridiculously sing-song fairy voice. As if by magic, her tears were gone. "But thank you so much for your kindness."

"Are you sure? You sounded proper upset over somethin'." Zoe said, raising an eyebrow. This girl was freaky, even by her standards.

"Oh...it's just...oh you wouldn't believe me!" The girl said.

Zoe laughed. "Try me, dollface! I've seen a fair few odd things in my short life."

"Oh, I'm sure what you have endured and suffered could not be compared to my own tragic life story." The girl said with a dramatic sadness, flinging her hand up to her forehead and blinking several times. "Oh! The pain of it all! I have such a tragic past. Its awful. And I don't deserve it at all. Did I mention my tragic past, with lots of suffering?"

"I...never actually said anything about suffer-"

"My name is Sparklestar Shimmer Cassandra Kaylyn Ribbonwings Prime." The girl said, like the awful name was meant to mean something. "I already know you, you're Zoe Riverton, I'm telepathic you see. My story is a long and impossibly tragic one. Did I mention it was tragic? I was brought up in a broken home. My mother died when I was born, and my father was abusive in every way. My elder sister hated me for my beauty and talents, and she would repeatedly get me into trouble for no reason. I fell in love with an amazing guy, but my father found out and killed my love in front of my eyes. One day, I ran away. I took my mother's magical necklace with me, because she was a queen on an advanced civilisation from another planet. Then there was the whole battle in Mission City, but that's not important because it's not about me, anyway, the AllSpark wasn't really destroyed! The energy flowed into me, as I lay, dying, crushed beneath a fallen building. I was brought before Primus himself, who told me I was The Chosen One and I had a destiny to fulfil. I was chosen to be the AllSpark and save the universe from Unicron! And I'm also the long lost sparkling of Optimus Prime and Elita 1. They put me into a pod and launched me away from the way, but by an impossible coincidence, I landed on Earth and joined my soul with this body, so I'm two people at once really, which is completely contradictory of my story so far but that's okay because I'm absolutely perfect and can deal with the moral implications of that. Did I mention my tragic past?"

Crazy Sparkleface, as Zoe had decided to call her, stopped for a moment and sighed sadly before continuing.

"Of course, with all these changes, I was granted powers that are completely unrealistic and unfeasible. I can stop time, control nature, travel through time, read minds, fly, cast spells, speak every language in the universe, teleport, and shoot energon from my hands. But despite all that, I wish I were normal! The responsibility of being the single most important person in the whole history of the universe is really stressful, plus my ridiculously tragic past makes me have overly frequent, stupidly long, way too detailed flashbacks at any given time, and I'm prone to very angsty moments at an important moment, like about to pick up something that belongs to me. And also-"

"OH MY GOD! WOULD YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP?!" Zoe yelled suddenly.

Crazy Sparkleface blinked and closed her mouth.

"YOU ARE THE SINGLE MOST IRRITATING AND PATHETIC DIRT CHILD I HAVE EVER MET!" Zoe continued, going red with rage. "You simply CANNOT be that perfect! There is NO way you could have had that bad of a childhood. Social services would have taken you away years ago and placed you with a nice, stable family that would have looked after you. You can't be the AllSpark, because IT. WAS. _DESTROYED_! And the energy would have killed you if you'd absorbed it or whatever. Energon in any form is simply not compatible with the human body. Primus didn't choose you, because the Earth wasn't even around when Cybertron was up and running. Primus is the god of _Cybertron, _not the universe. Got it? And the AllSpark doesn't carry his soul or anything! It was just a box to keep a lot of energy in. You can't be Elle and OP's long lost baby, because, disregarding all other reasons why it's physically_ impossible_, they aren't stupid enough to have kids _IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR!_ And as for those 'powers', whatever! If you could do all that, why are you bawling in a mangy alleyway? Do me a favour, you go and throw yourself into an erupting Vesuvius for the sake of the rest of mankind! Ugh, I'm off!"

And with that, she stalked away. Zoe plugged her earphones back in, and rounded the corner.

The Sue Demon, the most feared and hated of all things in the known multiverse, had since vanished in a puff of logic.

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**It's not my best work, I know. But I was very annoyed, and I needed to vent. Hopefully all the rest of you authors will find it funny or something.**

**Toodles!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm annoyed again.**

**No Zoe this time, haha! But if you want her to appear again and trounce another Sue, then do tell me! :) **

**I hate Mary Sues. I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them! But if I were to hate one kind of Sue in particular, it is definitely the Angst Sue. They make me want to kill whoever made them. I want to give them a slow and agonising death.**

**I also hate people who can't even grasp very **_**basic**_** English skills. I've seen so many of them recently, they literally make me want to vomit. And yet, and yet, I see they all have reviews telling the author to continue their awful story, while genuinely good fics get ignored.**

**I'm annoyed, and I'm in the mood for some Sue-bashing. **

**Enjoy, or whatever.**

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**The amazin adventurs of the Sue sistrs!**

**AN u al bettr like this or ill be really really mad at u. This is my first fic so be really nice to me i suck at summaries so just read it lol**

it was like really hot one day and there where thees 2 girls walkin down the street they where really sad because they're mother just dyed and they where comming back 4rom the funerel. The 1st girl was called rose emerald merriwhethers **(AN omigoooood!1 such a nice name!) **and she was tanned tall and really skinny but perfectly toned had really long blond hair that was amazinly shiny and was wavy to she had big blue eyes that were also glittery becus she was magic becus of her mums ring.**(AN MAGGGGGIK!11 AMAZIN! YEY!111)** she was so biutufil that everytim she walked somewere al the bois wood stop and staer at her lolololol. Rose emerald was actuly really shy becus other girls were lways jelus of her that they bullyed her so she nevr really talked to any1 other than her sistr Amathyst kaylyn claryissa merriwhethers. Amathyst was a gothik butee **(lol im soooooo deap becus shes all dark and agsty!11)** really pale with really long black and red hair that went to her waist and she had purple eyes that were sparkly just like her sistr she was really toned as well but hid it under al gothik clothing becus she was relly depressd all the time and she wore long glovez to hide the scares she got cutting her self alot becus she was depressd becus she was rapped and abused by her dad. She had dark mind powerz **(AN yup shes all phsykik and stuff!1)**but never told noone becus she was a scared of her own powr. "hey ammy said rose "do you want too go see what al the noise is about ?" she pointed to a lot of dust in the distance coming fromthe city. "yeah sure whatever i dont care anyway al i care about is keepin you safe" said ammy. So they went to the city and saw some big robots fighing over soemthig lol. Ammy saw a ded bodi and got reely depressd so she sat on a seat and cut her self. Rose startd cryin becus she loved her sistr and didn want her to do that but she some how madeherself brave and started to run into the fightin robots and was about to unleash her amazin magikal powr to stop al the fighin **(AN shes gonna be really justise oriennteteed youll see y later haha spoilers!) **

When all of a sudden, time slowed to a stop around the Sue Demons, a misty haze separating them from the canon characters of a much beloved franchise. They gasped and screamed in their hideously girly voices, knowing what was to come as they whipped their stupid little heads around. Rubble, frozen in the moment, exploded from the edge of a building like some kind of strange flower, while the sparks that flared from the violent contact between the giant metal beings hung in the air as fiery glass beads. It was a strangely beautiful sight, violated by the presence of the two shrieking atrocities that soiled every universe in droves.

There was a loud noise, not unlike that of a sonic boom, and the two Sue Demons squawked even louder as their inevitable fate grew closer. A bright light dominated the scene, and two figures stepped out if the distance. The Sue Demons screeched as the figured raised some kind of weapon, and fired.

The Sue Demons were caught in some kind of webbing; they struggled and called out to their attackers.

"Like OMIGOD! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS!?" Squealed the blonde one, "We're like totally nice and all! We're magic! Look at me I'm so beautiful! Fall in love with me! I'm magic too! I can see the future and fly!"

"Oh but woe is me!" Sighed the 'gothic' one. "I'm so depressed, I've had such awful things done to me, and I want to die! I want to die! I'm going to cut myself because that's what all teenagers that dress like this do! Just kill me now kind soul, even though you'll probably just fall in love with me because I'm such a dark beauty, nobody can resist me! Especially with my tragic past! It's so tragic! Pay attention to my impossibly tragic past! PAY ATTENTION TO MY CUTTING!"

The two figures looked at each other. After a beat, they turned around again, and the taller one pressed a button on their arm. The nets covering the Sues tightened and tightened, before crushing them completely in a grotesque shower of sparkly blue blood and gore that somehow managed to look absolutely perfect….as a Sue does.

The figures, now revealed to be soldiers of some kind, strode up to the bloody mess of crushed limbs and sliced flesh and shook their heads. The taller one kicked the carcass nearest to him.

"I swear," he laughed, "These things get more and more stupid every time!"

"I hear you man." Agreed the smaller one.

The smaller one pressed another button on her arm brace, and two pod-like devices flew out of the light. They sucked up the remains of the Sues and flew back from whence they came. The two soldiers took a good look around.

"Hey, this looks like a nice universe. Why'd the Sues have to try and ruin it?" Asked the female one, sounding annoyed.

"The Sues aren't the problem. It's the writers that _insist _on creating them that cause all this extra work for us." Replied the taller one, "If they just stopped writing them, we might actually get a break from clean-up."

There was a pause, in which the smaller soldier looked up at her friend and folded her arms.

"What would happen if we let Sues roam free? Hypothetically, if say one day we couldn't be bothered destroying them, what would happen?"

The taller soldier seemed taken aback.

"Well…it's never been allowed to happen before, but it's a safe bet they'd very quickly suck the life out of the universe they were in, or at the very least turn them into stupid little reflections of themselves. Overly dramatic, god-awful remnants of what could have been well-written creations that would have benefited the other universes greatly. Anyway, we better get back. Universes need to turn back on sometime!"

The smaller soldier seemed happy with the response, and followed her friend back into the light. Barely a second after they had vanished, time returned to the universe. The characters continued their canon actions, unaware of the horror they had been mere milliseconds from experiencing, content in their own, non-perfect existence.

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**My spellcheck hates me now. So does my inner Grammar Nazi.**

**Hope it gave you a small sense of victory over those horrible Sues, or at least made you grin at the idea of a Sue getting crushed to death. :)**


End file.
